


Christmas With the Helltakers

by Cdognkal



Category: Helltaker (Video Game)
Genre: Christmas, Not super romantic, They're mostly just roomates, Wacky Shenanigans
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-25
Updated: 2020-12-25
Packaged: 2021-03-10 16:29:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,941
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28310169
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cdognkal/pseuds/Cdognkal
Summary: It's the Helltaker household's first ever Christmas, and the harem is prepared for adventure. Whether it's corrupting the soul of the Santa Claus, shopping at (robbing) the only open department store for gifts, or just doing some good ol' fashioned Christmas caroling, hilarity is sure to ensue.
Kudos: 16





	Christmas With the Helltakers

Today marked the 7th month anniversary of the Taker’s journey to hell to obtain what most men could only dream of: a harem of demon girls. When he accomplished his feat and returned with 11 demons and one curious angel he learned fairly quickly that the definition of a harem in hell was somewhat lost in translation. What he thought was going to be a romantic joyride between himself and 11 devilishly dressed demons quickly revealed itself to be 11 rowdy roommates that spawned more sitcom scenarios than any one person should have to deal with. The Taker probably should’ve been annoyed by this, but he couldn’t bring himself to be. Maybe it was because of Lucy, the CEO of hell’s developing pancake flipping skills, or maybe it was the albums Justice, the awesome demon let him borrow, or maybe even it was the games that he and Malina, the sour demon played together. 

...Or maybe it was just because he couldn’t believe he wasn’t dead yet. No matter what, the Taker was sure of one thing: it sure as Hell wasn’t boring.

This day wasn’t JUST the 7th month anniversary. However this was unknown by most of the demon’s at the Helltaker household, so the day started out as it normally did. Zdrada, the bitch demon and Malina argued about video games and smoking. Cerberus, the triple demon discussed among themselves their plan of the day to corrupt the mortal realm. Justice was in her room, doing whatever awesome demons do, and Lucifer and the Taker were working on their famous chocolate pancakes. While the Taker thought Lucifer a lost cause on making the circular slices of heaven at first, she never gave and observed every single detail of the Taker’s process and practiced it every single day. Sure enough, she got better and better and now could make a mean pancake. After finishing today’s batch, the Taker made his way around the house to provide the demons with some well needed nourishment. His arm still ached a little from last week when Pandemonica, the sadistic demon, stabbed him in the shoulder for giving her daily coffee at a stifling 149 degrees instead of the requested 147, but he managed. Thankfully Pandemonica was too busy fielding customer service calls this time around, and took the pancakes and coffee without a word. 

He finally finished with Azazel, the curious angel, leaving the remaining pancakes by her door. Initially Azazel had gone to bed directly at 8 and woke up at 5AM sharp, but lately she decided that she needed to switch up her sleep schedule to fully embrace the demon lifestyle. Now she usually stayed up until 5 or 6AM playing Heroes 3, and then slept into the afternoon. The Taker would mind this a lot less if his room wasn’t directly next to hers, meaning her yelling and screaming easily bypassed the paper thin walls. He yawned. When he got a demon harem he figured he wouldn’t be getting much sleep from then on; he didn’t expect it to be because the angel in the next room was playing video games too loud.

After distributing the pancakes he headed to the main living area and took a seat on the couch next to the reading Modeus, the lustful demon. Ever since she had discovered the romantic comedy genre she was convinced every single human being was the most disgusting degenerate imaginable, so talking to her was usually a waste of time. Instead, he clicked on the TV, and settled in to prepare himself for the pure insanity that he knew was soon to come.

Just two minutes into “Hollywood Stars and Celebrities: What do They Know? Do They Know Things? Let’s Find Out!” Azazel shot out of her room like a cannon, gobbled up the pancakes by her door in just a few chomps, smashed the plate on the wall, and skipped into the living room where most of the demons were gathered, notebook in hand and looking more eager than ever.

“Omygosh omygosh omygosh, I’ve been looking forward to this day most of all!” She could hardly contain herself and was bouncing from foot-to-foot. “It’s finally here!” She squealed, and raised both her hands in excitement.

The Taker ignored her and hoped she would just go away, the show was just getting good. Do angels have the same sight as dinosaurs? They were made at about the same time, right? While he pondered the logistics, Justice answered for him.

“Uh yeah, totally. Hey remind me, what’s finally here again?” Azazel lowered her arms and scribbled something in her notebook before replying. 

“I cannot wait to see how demons celebrate Christmas! I might end up writing an entire research paper on this day alone,” She grinned from ear to ear.

“Ohh, Christmas,” Justice said, rubbing her chin. “Isn’t that the thing about the bunny with a beard?” Azazel turned her head quizzically, trying to determine if what she just heard was a joke.

“Yknow, the birth of Jesus, the rise of good and the death of evil, the manger, the three kings?” Everyone in the room aside from the Taker had stopped what they were doing and were now listening to Azazel with curiosity. “Santa Claus, Mistletoe, sugar cookies, ornaments, vacation days?” Pandemonica’s interest peaked. “You guys have heard of this stuff...Right?”

“Hmmmm,” Cerberus replied in unison. “Doesn’t sound familiar,” one said. “Yeah, I think we would remember something like that,” another piped in, and the demons all announced their agreement. The once giddy Azazel was now more puzzled than anything, and she scribbled in her notebook. 

“For everyone’s sake, how about you start from the beginning and explain everything about this ‘Christmas’. Please pay extra attention to these ‘vacation days’.” Pandemonica said adjusting her glasses and leaning forward in her seat, clearly invested.

“Oh that’s easy,” the still confused Azazel replied. “ I took a class on it in Angel High, so I’m something of an expert.” With that, she told the story of Christmas, from the birth of Jesus to Home Alone 5 to Coca Cola’s massively successful marketing campaign to make Santa red and white. Most of the demons listened closely, especially Pandemonica and Cerberus, getting more and more giddy as she went on. Azazel finally wrapped up with the story of Rudolph. “...And that’s pretty much it. But you guys already knew at least some of that stuff, right?” All of the demons but one shook their heads. Pademonica adjusted her glasses once more.

“Seems like an incredibly large marketing campaign on every front imaginable. Stores get crowded, God’s shining pupil gets his moment in the spotlight, and people are forced to converse with their rather bothersome family members that they’d rather leave alone. It’s simply genius.” No one in the room had ever seen her so energetic before she had her coffee. “That leaves one simple question: Why in the hell are we not getting in on this?” Lucifer heaved a loud sigh and spoke up for the first time.

“Honestly the whole Jesus thing was something of a moral loss for us from beginning to end, so I kinda just ignored it.” She rolled her eyes. “Of course you would make an entire holiday rubbing it in our faces.”

“Actually we made two,” Azazel corrected, writing down Lucifer’s every word. “Don’t forget Easter.” Pandemonica took a deep breath, and finally took a sip of her coffee, and a sadistic grin spread across her face.

“I work 364.5 days a year. Are you telling me that I lost valuable vacation days just because you couldn’t take a loss? I’ve killed people for so much less.” Lucifer and Pandemonica glared at each other while Azazel turned to the Taker.

“What about you, research assistant? You’re human, why aren’t you celebrating?” The taker made a mental note that angel sight doesn’t work the same as dinosaurs. He jabbed a thumb toward a corner of the house.

“I have a tree.” The ‘tree’ sat in a pot, standing three feet tall, completely lacking any pines and most of the bark missing.

“I don’t think that really counts,” Azazel said, still jotting in her notebook.

“So that’s what that is!” Zdrada said, sporting the same ear-to-ear grin she always had. “I was using it as an ashtray.”

“I know. You set it on fire.”

“Oh WAIT,” Zdrada exclaimed. “is that what you meant when you said ‘hey, who put a cigarette butt in here? Oh my god, it’s catching fire. Oh god, I forgot the fire extinguisher is out of fuel from last week. Oh no, the whole thing has caught fire, somebody come help me get some water! Why is no one helping me? Omg omg omg’? I was just SOOOO confused about what you were talking about.”

“Yes, that is what I meant.” Zdrada took a long puff of her cigarette. “Please don’t smoke in the house.”

“Wow, if I had any idea that’s what you meant, I would’ve come and helped,” she said, her smile somehow growing even bigger. Azazel finally finished writing in her notebook and looked back up towards Lucifer.

“You don’t even burn down an orphanage? Convert a few souls to Satanism? Delete some stranger’s contact info? Nothing at all?”

“I suppose I COULD, but that would just seem....desperate, ya know?”

“That would be pretty desperate,” The Taker confirmed. Azadel sighed.

“Welp. This is disappointing.” She plopped down on the couch between the Taker and Modeus before resting her hands on her chin. Pandemonica took a very long sip of coffee before standing up.

“Frankly, I don’t give a single rat’s ass about whether we celebrate it or not. I haven’t had a full day off in a millennium, and I want to go see what the rest of the world is up to these days,” she declared, and before anyone could reply she headed toward the door.

“H-hey wait, please don’t-'' The Taker’s words caught in his throat as Pandemonica turned back to him, literal fire in her eyes.

“I’m sorry, would you please care to repeat that one more time?”

“N-n-nevermind. Have a good day off,” he said, flashing the very best smile he could muster. The Helltaker had traversed to hell on a whim, passed every trial and tribulation, convinced Lucifer and Judgement themselves to follow him, but even he wasn’t crazy enough to try and get in between Pandemonica and her day off. Lucifer had the same thought process, and she watched Pandemonica walk out the front door without a word. Hell could go a day without customer service. The damned souls would still be around tomorrow.

“I don’t know about you guys, but I’m a little curious about this whole Christmas thing myself. Wouldn’t mind going to see what I’ve been missing.” Justice grinned, her coat flowing over her shoulders like an anime protagonist

“You can’t see anything at all,” Malina mused, downing a shot of vodka. “...But I wouldn’t mind going to check out this Christmas thing myself.”

“Oooooo, us too!” Cerberus called in unison. “If we corrupt the soul of this Santa guy, the possibilities are endless!” Zdrada blew another puff of smoke into the air.

“‘Spose I should go too then, just to make sure my sis doesn’t run off with the first guy that says he likes video games.” Modeus absentmindedly waved her arm in the air, eyes still locked on her book.

“I’ll pass. These humans are some sick freaks, I don’t think I’m ready to face them yet.” Azazel perked up.

“This isn’t as good as seeing real demon Christmas rituals, but seeing how they react to human Christmas stuff is still great research. Right, partner?” She said, jabbing an elbow into the Taker’s knife arm. He grimaced, then sighed. He knew there was no way he was gonna get out of this, so he better make it as cool as possible. He dramatically picked up the TV remote, pushing the power button with an epic click. He stood up, dusted off his shoulders, pushed up his sunglasses and with a grin said “Damn right. I’m in,” in as deep a voice as he could. Hoping his specticle didn’t go unnoticed he cleared his throat and sat back down. “Whenever you guys are ready to go or whatever, I don’t care.” Cerberus gave him a round of applause, which made him feel appreciated.

“What about you, Judgement?” Justice asked. Judgement, the high prosecutor, had joined the conversation recently, and spent most of it eating her pancakes and twiddling her thumbs. Hearing her name, she snapped back to reality, looking at all the sharply dressed demons staring at her.

“What? Oh, um, ah-” She shook her head, then stood up with renewed vigor, arms thrown to the side in a battle ready position, grinning sadistically. “I DO NOT KNOW OF THIS CHRISTMAS YOU SPEAK OF, BUT I CAN TELL YOU THIS: JUDGEMENT WAITS FOR NO MAN, WOMAN, OR DEMON, NO MATTER THE DAY!  
JUDGEMENT TAKES NO VACATION, JUDGEMENT DOES NOT RES-”

“I love your hair today,” The Taker said.

“Oh yes yes, me too,” one Cerebus nodded in agreement. “I love her eyes! So pretty,” another added. “And don’t even get me started about her dress,” the third gushed.

I love her...everything,” Azazel said, suddenly sweating profusely. She began frantically scribbling down in her journal, still staring at Judgment. 

“FLATTERY WILL GET YOU NOWHERE. JUDGMENT IS AN IMPARTIAL THIRD PART-” her voice trailed off, and her arms fell back down to her sides. She sighed. “...Thank you. You all look good today too.” Azazel gasped.

“Really? You think so?” she blushed. Judgment crossed her arms and pouted.

“You all make my job really hard sometimes.” 

“Does that mean you’re in?” Justice asked. Judgement stayed quiet for a moment before answering.

“...Nah, I really can’t. I got a lot of stuff to take care off today.” Instead of pressing, Justice simply nodded. As a former high prosecutor, she knew the job sucked. Thankfully, she also knew that it didn’t last forever.

“I guess that just leaves you Lucy,” she said to the CEO of Hell. “I know it’s still a little bit of a soft spot for you, but it might be fun.” Lucifer put her face in her hands, and after a long pause, let out another long sigh.

“I don’t have much of a choice. Can’t be looking weak in front of my subordinates,” she replied. Justice caught the slightest glimmer of a smile on Lucy’s face as she lowered her arms. “I suppose I could tag along.” Justice clasped her hands together.

“Awesome! I knew you had it in you.”

“Great,” Malina muttered, a smug plastered on her face. “But where are we going first?” The demons muttered amongst themselves, then all turned to Azazel, who still hadn’t shifted her gaze from Judgment. “You’re the ‘expert’, right?” Azazel was so focused that she didn’t notice the room had gone silent for several seconds, and when she finally noticed all the demon’s gazes locked on her she let out a small ‘eep!’ and nearly dropped her notebook.

“What? I wasn’t doing anything. I was doing research, I swear,” she stammered, gripping the notebook against her chest.

“Bitch, if you don’t tell us how we’re meant to celebrate this Christmas thing I’ll personally swirly you into the next dimension,” Zdrada barked.

“Oh, that,” Azazel replied, completely unaffected by Zdrada’s threat. Even Azazel knew she was all bark, no bite. “Like I said, they buy a tree, buy each other some presents, get visited from Santa in the middle of the night, go to church, go christmas caroling, watch some christmas movies, and have a big dinner with their closest friends and family.”

“Sounds like a good starting point. We’ll figure it out on the way,” Justice said already on her way to the door. The other demons followed suit, until the Taker and Lucifer were the last ones remaining. She heaved a third loud sigh.

“Y’know, you don’t have to go if you don’t want to. It’s clearly still a soft spot for you. I’m sure the other demons already know that you’re their boss, no matter what,” The Taker comforted her, ignoring the fact that one of her underlings just gave her a death threat and then stomped out of her job.

“My well being is not a concern of yours. Don’t forget that I’m your boss too,” she replied, standing up and dusting herself off. “...But I do appreciate it. What about you? You don’t seem super excited either; You have some bad Christmas memories too?” 

“Doesn’t matter either way. The last time I let you guys go off on your own you came back with 126 humans turned goat. We had to travel to the depths of purgatory just to get the stuff to reverse it.”

“That was quite the misadventure, wasn’t it?” Lucy giggled. She didn’t giggle often, although she had been doing it a little more as of late. The Taker made sure to take a mental snapshot of it every time; It was still a special occasion. “But you have to admit it was just a little bit fun, right?”

“...Maybe just a little.” Modeus lowered the book she was reading and eyed them suspiciously.

“I’m getting romantic comedy vibes right now. Get a room you filthy degenerates.” They complied, and without another word left the house, ready to see what crazy shenanigans lay ahead of them on this adventure. They were both sure of one thing, though. It wasn’t going to be boring.

**Author's Note:**

> My first ever posted fanfic!! I decided there wasn't nearly enough on these amazing characters, so I figured I'd help out a little. Writing this was just so much fun. Feel free to leave any constructive criticism you have in the comments. I can't wait to dive more into these characters and become a better writer doing it.
> 
> I'm thinking this will be a 4-6 chapter long story, with the chapters varying in length. The next chapter will be Zdrada generously offering to replace the Helltaker's Christmas tree.


End file.
